Alysa's Diary
by Banana Bread
Summary: Alysa is a mute girl who attends high school with people from all kinds of backgrounds, and with all sorts of beliefs. She, however, has no real religious beliefs. One day, something inside of her sparks, and she becomes very interested in learning all ab
1. Hopefully Friends

1/11/03

I don't speak much. In fact, I haven't spoken for the past four years. Even then, I spoke rarely. I'm scared to speak. In elementary school, the other kids used to make fun of me because I stuttered too much, and as a result, no one had the patience to be my friend. Some people talk to me now, but I don't talk back. I'm the type who's a good listener. I can't give any advice back, even on the rare occasion where I'm able to give some. If I spoke, they'd hear my stutter and lose interest. They'd turn away from me and I'd be alone again.

I'm a freshman now and I'm fifteen years old. It's second semester in Kennedy High School. I'm a good student. I get good grades and I have excuses written by my mom and signed by my councilor that excuse me from speeches and other verbal assignments.

I sit at a lunch table with people who I like to refer to as friends. We're all our own outcasts in some sort of way, but they're delightful people to be around.

Naelia seems to be the leader of the group. She's got blazing dark-red hair (I think it's dyed) and always holds a strange grin on her face. She is the type who likes to clown around and is mostly always very sarcastic, however, she is very kind to me. She tries to get me to talk or at least laugh, and sometimes directs her jokes at me. It makes me happy to see her smile at me. She has this content smile on her face that I think reassures her that she's done something right. There's a rumor going around about her, started by her former best friend, Cristy. I'm surprised people believe that rumor. It makes comedic and cheerful Naelia seem like a villain. I know she's into Satan and things like that, but elaborating on such strange beliefs, she doesn't seem that bad at all. She thinks Satan is a good guy or something. I suppose everyone needs something to believe in.

Danielle is Naelia's best friend. She's got this long, curly hair, like phone cords, that she can wrap into the smallest bun you've ever seen. Her family is poor, from what I've gathered. She was raised by a single mother of two, and from the sounds of it, her mother is not a cheerful person. Her father is from a country on the West Coast of Africa, and her mother is French-Canadian. Danielle has the most cheerful smile I've ever seen. She's always calling me cute. I don't see how anyone could see me as something cute. Danielle loves to compliment people, but I don't think she gets enough in return. She's a very shy person outside of lunch. She wears a pewter pentacle around her neck and can usually be found wither with Naelia, or off on her own, reading a book. Every book I've seen her read has been by an author named Anne Bishop. It seems in class that she re-reads the same books over and over and over again when she doesn't feel like paying the teacher or lesson any mind. I don't understand much about religion as a whole, but she says that she's Wiccan. She's tried to explain what the five points on the star in a pentacle mean. I don't really understand, but it's fascinating to hear about good luck spells and such.

Laura is probably my best friend of all of the people I eat lunch with. She has short brown... or maybe dark blonde hair, which seems to never be brushed, and she wears glasses. She's very short compared to Naelia and Danielle, but I am shorter. Naelia often finds us to be suitable arm rests. Laura is taller than me by a little - maybe an inch, but I look much smaller than her because I suppose I have a very small frame. Laura's mom is an older lady. She's maybe in her late fifties, I would assume, judging from her silver hair, where as Laura is sixteen. Laura doesn't talk that much either, but she talks to me a lot about things that she likes. She likes to travel, even if it's only a little. She went to Alexandria Minnesota on her last trip, and we all live in Bloomington Minnesota. It's not far but she had a good time from the sounds of it. She showed me pictures and everything. She even let me keep one of her, sitting in a fake wooden drag racing car. I put it on my wall with other pictures that she's taken before. She let me keep all of the photos she took for photo class last semester as well.

Amelio is one of two boys at our table. He's very tall and he wears glasses. He speaks Spanish fluently because he's originally from Cuba. He's always in the school plays as an extra, but he's very fun to watch anyway. He always wants to talk to Danielle and Naelia, but Naelia is too loud and really gets into her stories. Danielle will talk to him every once in a while, but she feels bad for not listening to her friend's stories, so she doesn't talk to him much. I think he likes Danielle a lot, but his parents won't let him date until he's twenty-one years old. He's a very good person for listening to his parents. I respect him for that. I think the others at the table, not including Laura, are naturally defiant of their parents.

Matt is the other boy at our table. He loves drawing and often criticizes other peoples' work. He makes comics and really likes to be on his computer. He has some sort of web site where he puts his comics up for everyone to look at. His comics are usually about his old friends from other states and cities where he used to live. He moves around a lot and he's going to be moving again after this year. He really likes to talk about video games and Japanese cartoons and things like that. In fact, I think I'm the only one at our table that has never seen a Japanese cartoon before. They're all in some sort of club for watching cartoons with the exception of Amelio. I've never gone to it but it's in our school and Naelia's the leader. Matt always brings DVDs to school for people to watch in that club. He loves technology. He even built his own computer. He's explained it to everyone at the table before, but I think no one really follows...

Pei Ling is a short little Chinese girl that absolutely loves those Japanese cartoons. She is very hyper and is much louder than even Naelia. She loves to move around a lot. She is very silly. Her stories and jokes usually have a sort of inappropriate undertone, or else it's all some inside joke that I don't understand. She flirts with Matt a lot and isn't the least bit discreet about it. It's sort of funny in a way because I think Matt knows that she likes him, but he purposely pretends he doesn't. I don't think I've ever seen Pei Ling act seriously before, but I've heard of such a case. If she gets mad, she gets scary. She really likes Laura and myself. She calls us her "two short peoples" but she's about the same height as us. That's why it's funny. Laura acts sarcastically terrified of her, and I think I don't really need to be sarcastic about that sort of thing. She is kind of scary. I think it's her goal in life to traumatize people. Laura and I are often the targets.

My name is Alysa and you already know about me. I would do anything I can to keep these people I call friends. Maybe they don't see me that way, but that's okay. I love to learn about them and their interesting lives. I'm keeping everything I learn down in a notebook. This one.

I'll have more to write soon.

Alysa


	2. Thursday to Think

1/16/03

Today is Thursday. I really don't like Thursdays. I'm anxious to just sleep today and all through tomorrow, but I know I can't because school is still in session tomorrow. That is why I hate Thursdays. I want the weekend to come sooner. I love being at home; my home life is good. My parents are good to me and I love them. They sometimes cry because I won't talk to even them, but you see, losing a friend is one thing. Losing a parent is another. They tell me they love me no matter what, but even their love isn't unconditional.

Anyway... There was an interesting turn of events at school today.

There's a girl with short, dark, messy hair and glasses that consume most of her face. Naelia doesn't like her, but I suppose this girl thinks she does. Naelia always seems to patronize her. This girl, Carol, has a squeaky voice, and a long skinny face. She sits at our table when she and her best friend are in a fight. Actually, those fights happen quite often. So, she is becoming a regular at our little section of the long lunch table during first lunch. She is a girl who is firm in her beliefs and, though she tries to act defiant to impress Naelia, claiming she smokes, hates her elder sister, and hits her older sister when she annoys her, she is very obedient to her parents. Even Amelio can't compare to her in that field.

It started with Carol criticizing Naelia for swearing, which... this certain redhead does a lot. Naelia stopped in the middle of her sentence, glanced at her, smirked, and then sprinkled her next few conversational pieces with curses. Keep in mind that Carol is strongly offended by a lot of things, sometimes to an almost hypersensitive point.

Carol kept a calm and sophisticated manner about her words as she said, "I asked you nicely to please not swear."

Naelia looked at her with that grin and said. "Why the hell not?"

I figured it wasn't the word "hell" that bothered her, but the fact that Naelia was blatantly trying to get some sort of reaction out of Carol.

Carol lost that calm attitude in her voice, and squeaked out, "Stop it! I told you to stop!"

Naelia's attention was now solely on Carol. "Jesus Christ girl, settle down."

Well, once that was said Carol was bright red. From what I've gathered, Carol's parents are very faithful Christians. She's mentioned before that her household is very strict. There is absolutely no swearing tolerated in her household, and the worst possible cuss is to use "Jesus Christ" in the way Naelia did just then. There is some kind of list of rules in the Christian Bible that say not to use the Lord's name in vain. I learned that from a movie about a man, his name escapes me, who split a large body of water using a stick full of power that God gave to him to free slaves of Egyptians. I don't really remember what that movie is called. I used to think "using the Lord's name in vain" meant not to use God's name to start wars or do something bad. Carol says it's saying "Jesus!" or "God!" as a curse. I suppose I believe Carol more than myself. I don't have religion in my home, so I don't know much of anything about those topics. Well, anyway –

Carol screeched out at her. "Don't say that! At least not in front of me!"

"Settle down, settle down. Just let me ask you this, all knowing one." Nelia said sarcastically. "Why did God make his own name a curse. Or a better question is... How?" Carol was silent.

Danielle shook her head. "Here we go again."

Naelia started on a very long rant, which lasted to the end of lunch. She talked about everything from wars in God's name to the way the majority of the population interprets the bible as opposed to her interpretation. Carol was on the verge of tears the entire time, but towards the end, Naelia lightened up with a couple of little things like "But, I could be wrong. Maybe there is no God and there is no Satan. Or, for all I know, they do, and God really is all knowing and pure or whatever, ...and I'm just over thinking. Who knows?"

Carol just laughed. It was sort of a pointless argument in the end. Matt lightened up the atmosphere by saying they were both wrong and that monkeys wielding magical spoons created the world and rule human's souls secretly. Pei Ling said that angels are big robots that can't be destroyed by anything but other big robots made from their guts and skin, piloted by fourteen year-olds. I'm assuming that's some sort of Japanese cartoon plot. She practically jumped on top of Naelia chanting something like, "Naelia's a Satanic freak. La-la-la-la!" Naelia just smiled proudly.

Well anyway, I have a class with Naelia right after lunch. She made idle conversation with me, since I sit directly next to her in the second row, and then, she asked what I believed in. I felt sort of cornered by the question. I've never believed in much of anything. I believe evolution I suppose, but that's not a real religion. I suppose it is a belief, but it's a little late to make a note of that, as this happened earlier today, and I realized that only just now. I am such an idiot at times...

I just shrugged at her.

"You don't know?" she asked.

I was afraid I had offended her, but she just smiled. "Come on. Don't you wonder how the world was made?"

I paused for a while then nodded.

She grinned at me. "Did you know... my old church... the one Helen goes to, told me that people who don't make it a point of worshipping God go to hell? That church was messed up." She said, laughing. "Okay, well, maybe that's not exactly what they said... But they were all pretty crazy-obsessed for Lutherans anyway."

I shook my head. I never knew that. Am I going to hell? That's sort of scary.

"Do you believe there's a heaven?"

I nodded. I've always believed you go somewhere after you die, I guess.

She leaned back in her chair. "You should do some research on religion and stuff. I'm sure there's a name for whatever you believe. If you want, I can explain mine to you, but I think I've gone over that sort of stuff at lunch, right?"

I nodded.

I've been giving this some thought lately today. I'm not sure what to do. Do you have to have religion? Maybe some people just need it. Remember? "Everyone needs something to believe in" or something to turn to when they're in low spirits. I suppose I just turn to my pillow. It's the perfect thing to turn to when I'm sad and need to cry. I wonder if there's some sort of material religion. Maybe that's it. My stuffed animals are good company, and my pillow is a comfort.

Maybe not. I turn to myself when I'm sad. I have inner monologue that either makes me miserable or gleeful. But I don't think I worship myself. Maybe. I have this notebook diary thing to tell everything, but I don't worship that either.

Maybe my research should start with this question:

What elements are part of a religion?

I'll write again, as soon as possible.

Alysa


	3. The Bible

1/17/03

It's Friday!

Yesterday and a little while after school today, I borrowed my mother's bible and read through some of it. I had to keep it hidden during school. It's against school policy to tote a bible or any other kind of religious literature around with you in our school. We're very diverse, I suppose. I wonder if they let you have a bible in schools in the south? I've heard it's not very diverse down there at all, so maybe no one would be offended at the sight of a bible. It's a very long book and very hard to read. My mother is Christian, but she doesn't pray or go to church or any of that. She has some holy cross necklaces and a bible too all given to her by Grandma. My mother would never spend money on something like that, so that's the only reason she has that. She invests most of her money on technology.

This bible is the King James edition. My aunt came over yesterday and saw me reading it. She made this snide little face at me and said. "I didn't even know you could read, let alone King James's version of the bible."

I can usually tolerate people, no matter how mean, selfish, or anything like that they may be. I don't really hate anyone... except my aunt. She's always been so cruel to me. She used to tell me that a stutter is a mental disease and that I'm very stupid. When I stopped talking four years ago, she yelled at me, accusing me of ignoring her. She spat hurtful words into my face. She swears a lot when she's mad. Sometimes, I feel sorry for dad, because he had to grow up with this. She doesn't speak very kindly to him either. In fact, my mother doesn't like her much either. My parents are just hospitable people, I guess. That's the only reason she can step foot in our home.

After my aunt attempted to insult me again, I got up and walked to my room. I wanted to write something in this notebook diary, but I was too mad to do it. I was mostly angry because she was right - I couldn't understand a thing in this bible. I pulled out a separate notebook and tried to jot down some notes. I still didn't understand. I skimmed through a lot of things. I don't understand it, but millions of other people do, so I must be doing something wrong.

Naelia told me she would write something for me to read about her religion, using the bible. She also started naming off different religions to look into on the Internet. She said the ones she listed off are all basic Eastern religions and philosophies. She wrote them down for me.

I haven't done any research on any of them yet. Like I said, I'm still trying to figure out Christianity. That means I'll have to learn about the difference between Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, and whatever else there is. I'll also have to look into the Jewish religion. I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all these different beliefs.

Reading through this, I understand why so many people turn to the bible. The bible is like one big book of advice. Usually it says to confide in God, but it also tells you there are things you have to do yourself. You can't just pray for a million dollars and find it under your pillow the next day. I'm assuming you pray for little things, like "Lord, please help me study for the chapter finals next week." Then you study hard, pass and feel good about yourself. It's a chain from there. You keep studying, keep passing, go to college, get a good job, and then that million dollars will come with a lot of hard work and enough faith in not only God, but yourself. Even if you don't get a million dollars, which is the case in most situations, you'll be happier than ever in the after life, sitting with God. At least that's how I'm interpreting this.

I always thought the bible was sort of boring, and though I've never been to church, I've heard it's very, very boring as well. I can't say for sure if that's true or not. I see commercials for new Christian music. It seems to be bringing Christianity into current times. I suppose it's boring because of how people advertise it. There's a channel that's all Christian programming, and it's about as fun as an AM radio talk show.

There's a girl I know named Helen. She used to be friends with Naelia and Danielle. Naelia used to go to the same church as Helen before her beliefs really changed. Helen always talks about the things she's involved in. She's involved in theater, always getting the main roles in school plays, art, and a youth group at church. I'm not sure what that is, so maybe someone will explain it to me someday. I'm assuming it's just a group of youths... who go to church.

If I wasn't writing in pen, I would have erased that. No wonder people call me stupid.

Well, I think I'm going to go to bed. I had a really good dream last night, but I forgot what it was about. Tomorrow morning, I'll try to remember what I dream, good or bad. Forgetting good dreams is very annoying.

Goodnight.

Alysa


	4. Friends Indeed

1/19/03

Hi there. I didn't have a dream this morning or yesterday, so I didn't write, but yesterday was a fairly animated day. Danielle and Naelia called to see if I wanted to go to the mall. Receiving phone calls is so hard for me, because my mom has to listen to tell them how I react, but that also leaves her room to insert some authority. They're defiant of their parents, but I couldn't be, even if I wanted to. To my surprise, my mother was overjoyed at the fact that two people, a little older than me, wanted to take me to the biggest mall in America, unsupervised. Then again, my mother is sort of silly. She's very young and she's sort of a party animal.

So, even if I didn't want to go, which wasn't the case, she told them I would. Mom drove me to Danielle's apartments, and I met them outside the door. We took the bus to the Mall of America, and Naelia sat alone so Danielle and I could sit together. This was my first time on a public transport bus without my mom and dad. I was kind of scared. When we got off the bus, we were in a damp, dark, bus station.

They told me they were going to go to Camp Snoopy, the indoor theme park in the Mall of America, to go play "Pump It Up", which is a big machine with dance steps that you're supposed to follow. It's apparently a good workout. No wonder those two are able to keep such nice figures. Naelia told Danielle and I that the mall was becoming a renowned hang out for pimps, in a joking matter, but, nonetheless, as this was my first time going there without my parents, that scared me. Naelia lifted the fear by telling us that her mom told her we had to go to the mall to play "Pump It Up" and not "Pimp It Up."

Danielle laughed and hit her when she said that. "Your family and your stupid puns!"

Danielle and Naelia are best friends, and I was afraid I'd feel like a third wheel, but they made me feel like part of the action. We reached a small arcade in Camp Snoopy, and right at the mouth of the entrance to the arcade, there was that huge machine. When I first saw it, I was stunned. I'd never seen a machine quite like that before. There was another one too, but it didn't seem to be as popular as Danielle and Naelia's favorite. I didn't understand how to play, but it was amazing to watch. Naelia was great! When Danielle stepped up, I was even more amazed! She danced to fast songs. I'm surprised she had the stamina to do it. When Naelia stepped up again, the caramel skinned girl went to go sit on a bench. I followed and sat next to her.

"Are you bored?" She asked. I shook my head. "Okay, good. Most people get bored just watching us play. Do you wanna try?" I shook my head, feeling scared to even step on the machine. She shrugged and said "okay."

Then she took out one of those books – the ones I told you she reads a lot in class. It was called "Daughter of the Blood" written by Anne Bishop. I was curious to know the plot of those books that she read over and over and over again. She could obviously see that curious look on my face, because she started telling me what it was about.

"This book is about this race of people with special powers. They're called the Blood, and they wear these jewels that hold excess power their bodies can't hold. A girl is born one day, a very special girl they call Witch. Most blood females are called witches, but this one is just Witch – with a capital W. She's like... the goddess of the blood, sort of. There's a holiday that celebrates her, called Winsol. The girl is supposed to be very ugly but she gets prettier as she grows up. Other Blood want to use her at a young age for her power, and there's these three guys that are trying to protect her. Are... you following me?"

I think I was staring. I didn't blink. I just nodded. I suppose I found it strange that she told me about all of this before telling probably more curious classmates. I just nodded. "Do you wanna sleep over? Naelia is."

My heart sank. I felt extreme joy. Nobody's ever asked that of me. It was like a dream, just being able to hang out with the two best friends outside of school, but this was like fantasy. I think they were making an effort to be my friends. I was so happy. I nodded, slowly.

She laughed. "You're cute!" She squealed. I smiled back at her, and then she hugged me. I jumped, because I wasn't expecting that, but I hugged back.

Eventually, after being at the mall for a few hours, we took the transit back to Danielle's apartment. Naelia called her mom and asked very simply to sleep over. She didn't really ask, actually. I assumed that they had lots of sleepovers.

"Mom. Hi. I'm at Danielle's..." Pause. "Yeah..." Pause. "Thanks, bye." Then she hung up.

Now it was my turn. Naelia tossed the cordless phone to me. I suddenly felt very bashful. I think, for a moment, they both completely forgot that I don't speak. Ever.

Danielle was the first to catch this. "Oh!"

She snatched the phone from my hands, and held it out, dial facing my direction. I quickly poked in my phone number, and Danielle held the phone to her ear. "Oh, hi. Uhm... Hi Mister Fort. This is Danielle, I'm one of Alysa's friends." Wow. "I was just wondering if she could sleep over...?" I'm not sure what happened, but Danielle giggled at something my dad said. "Yeah." More giggling. "Thanks. Here you go." She handed the phone to me."

My dad told me that my friends sounded very nice and he trusted me not to get into trouble. I hummed quietly into the phone to let him know I would comply. "Good." He said. "Stay warm tonight. I love you." I hummed again. I love you too, dad.

Both girls watched me. I don't think they've ever heard any of my voice. Not even a hum. How embarrassing that was. They must have been repulsed. I was afraid I'd have to

Tonight was certainly interesting. We stayed up late, watching TV and drinking lots of pop. They both got very silly, and there was a tickling match between them. They eventually came to tickle me, and I laughed out loud. Naelia smiled. "Ah, so that's how you get her to make some kind of noise. Guess my jokes aren't good enough, eh?" She joked.

Well, at about one o'clock in the morning, they both remembered my little religion experiment, and they both jokingly suggested some very strange things to me.

"Hey, tonight we could do a seance."

"Ehh... no. How about a nice spell?"

There was an awkward silence, then they both giggled softly.

"We've never done any of that." Naelia said.

Danielle reached a finger into the air. "I've done spells."

Naelia turned and gave her a weird look. "And you never told me?" Danielle just smiled.

"It's none of your business."

"B-but you just told me! Just now!" Naelia whined.

"I was talking to Alysa." Danielle said.

Naelia clapped. "Well, so, get the stuff! Sounds fun! Make me a witches brew!" Danielle rolled her eyes.

"I don't have enough ingredients for any of the spells I know how to do." She emphasized.

"Brew!" Naelia cheered.

"I don't do brew! Maybe potions and recipes every once in a while, but I do brew as often as you wear horns and poke people with a big devil fork!"

"Often then?"

We all laughed.

Danielle reached under her bed and pulled out a book, then handed it to me. I opened it up and looked through it. "We can't do any of those, but you can at least look. The types of spells Wiccans do aren't like in Halloween fairy tales. They're good luck charms and spells for success and health and prosperity. Things like that."

Sure enough, I found all of what she was talking about in the book. The ingredients for the spells were very strange. There were things like, "a tulip" and "dry reeds". Things you normally wouldn't find lying around the house. I paged through the book for hours. By the time I looked up, enough time had passed where Naelia had fallen asleep on the floor, fully clothed, and Danielle was pretty much half-asleep, but she was sitting up, and smiling at me, tiredly.

"Someday, I'll do a spell with you. We can do one to help you find your voice." She smiled. "I'm anxious to hear your speak, Alysa. Everyone is. You're sweet, and I imagine your voice is sweet. I've had dreams where you speak."

I was amazed. She really cared. My smile was so wide it already hurt, and I could feel my cheeks burning.

I do want to talk to you, but my voice isn't sweet. You'll be utterly disgusted if I do, but thank you for caring.

Alysa


	5. Finding My Voice

1/20/03

Hi again. It's Monday, and I have no homework. This happens rarely. Having all this free time on my hands, I decided to go to the library a few blocks from school and play on the computers. I don't really know much about computers or any of that, but I figured out how to work the Internet. My mother would be proud. She's really a tech expert... She thinks I need a computer to make my life whole. She's so weird... I love her.

I decided that since I already learned a little about Danielle's religion today (I'll get to that in a second), I'd look into Christianity. I think if I knew more on the matter, I'd be able to get along a little better with my aunt...

Conveniently, there's a web site called It has a lot of neat features on it. You can look for certain words or phrases in the book, and you can get moral advice there too. I learned a lot about evil and good as the Bible sees it. I haven't had time to read the whole Bible... it's... a really long book. I got some basic points out of it, and learned about Jesus's crucifixion and the Ten Commandments and such (that's the name of that movie!). The Old Testament seems to be one big lesson on morals and doing good. Some of it scared me a little, but I realize it was written a long... long... time ago and that maybe women aren't as worthless as the old testament made me feel. However, the New Testament made me feel better again, and I learned that God loves everyone, and he will forgive your wrongdoings because his son died for it. I also learned a bit about Judaism, and that they follow only the Old Testament, but they have some chapters the Christian bible doesn't. The thing Jewish people read from is called a Torah. I wonder if there's a Well, I'll look into that next time I have access to a computer. My mother hordes the one PC we have at home all for herself, and my dad uses his laptop for important work.

I don't really know if I'm getting the facts about Christianity right here, because there's so many different kinds of Christians and so many different interpretations of the Bible. I don't know which one to believe. The religion is very old, I guess, and so things have probably changed through word-of-mouth. Like playing "Telephone" maybe... I don't know, but I hope someone will explain it to me someday.

Naelia is the only person I know who really knows a lot about the Bible, but she is only an expert at finding all of it's little flaws and everything scary within the bible (like this thing that says if you wear two different types of cloth, you can be hung or something). She says it's her job to point out everything wrong with the Bible. She jokingly tells me it's because she's "a hater." She's so silly. I don't know when I should be taking her seriously...

Danielle, blissfully ignores anything the bible really has to say. Those two are really liberal feminists, and I, too, realized there's a lot of degrading of women in the Old Testament of the Bible. But, I think they might have missed that the Bible later goes on to tell men to treat their wives, lovers, and daughters with respect, and never to raise a fist to them. I think people in the old days would have done well to read those parts. It also tells men how important women should be in their lives.

Danielle has an aunt who apparently was a real hippie in the sixties. She's really interested in politics and such. Her name is also Danielle. I believe she's Zen Buddhist. I would like to ask her a million questions. Seriously. I have a list of questions and they almost number 60. My only problem, once again, is my voice. Maybe I could just give her the list.

However, today, sitting here in my room, writing vigorously in this diary, I feel slightly excited and slightly curious. I know every once in a while I'm laughing and chirping.

I've gone back, and tried to read the first paragraph of this entry out loud to myself, but I can't get through it in less than a minute. I still stutter, and my voice is... just... It's very ugly. I don't like my voice. I don't... I think I sound like I'm dying.

...Well, that moment of extreme confidence was short lived. I promise you, Diary, and you... Alysa myself... I will speak some day... I will tell people everything on my mind, just give me time to grow up, and give me time to learn how to speak pleasantly.

Maybe the Bible is influencing my logic right now... Do you think... God, if he exists... loves my voice? Maybe I'm hoping for too much.

Alysa


End file.
